Some actual excuses used for not going to work quoted by Rev. Vanessa Appleton in her sermon on 5th February 2017.

  • My false teeth flew out of the window while I was driving on the highway!
  • Someone glued my windows and doors shut so I couldn’t leave the house!
  • The chemical in the turkey made me fall asleep, so I missed my shift!
  • I’d just put a casserole in the oven!
  • I woke up in a good mood and didn’t want to ruin it!
  • I got stuck in the blood pressure machine at the grocery store and couldn’t get out!
  • I accidentally got on a plane!

The great lengths that some people would go to to get out of doing something!


How does Moses make his tea?  Hebrews it ….

Venison for dinner again?  Oh deer!

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.  I just can’t put it down.

I didn’t like my beard at first, then it grew on me.

Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.



Of course, we wish all our examination candidates success in their exams … and hope they avoid some of these gaffs!

  1. Name the four seasons.
  2. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
  1. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
  2. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
  1. How is dew formed?
  2. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
  1. What causes the tides in the oceans?
  2. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.  I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
  1. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
  2. If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
  1. What are steroids?
  2. Things for keeping carpets still on stairs.
  1. What happens to your body as you age?
  2. When you get old, you get intercontinental.
  1. Name a major disease associated with smoking.
  2. Premature death.
  1. How can you delay milk turning sour?
  2. Keep it in the cow.
  1. What is the fibula?
  2. A small lie.
  1. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean Section’.
  2. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
  1. What is a seizure?
  2.  A Roman emperor.
  1. What is a terminal illness?
  2. When you are sick at the airport.
  1. Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand it’s meaning.
  2. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
  1. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
  2. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
  1. What is a turbine?
  2. Something an Arab or Sheikh wears on his head.